To miss little sunshine

I woke up thinking of you this morning. I sat in my bed, trying not to fully cross the barrier from "dreaming" to "awake." I listened to sad, longing music, all about missing someone - but always someone they had once loved. What is the word for missing someone, for knowing there is something missing from you because they are not there, when you never had them to begin with? Does that word exist?

You touched my hand. I don't think you know it's a big deal, but I felt it. I felt one finger, then two, run against mine when you walked past me, and I counted the seconds in my head until I could no longer feel my skin burning with you. It's little things like this that I miss, the tiny bits that make up a whole imagined life, something we could have had, if we were two different people allowing chances to happen.

Sometimes you look at me, and I wonder what you are looking at. You have these deep, prying, knowing eyes, and sometimes I imagine that they are only this way with me, but I know that can't be true. I'm sure that you look at me just like you look at everyone else - curious, smart, but ultimately bored. I can't stand to keep looking at you for too long, to meet that gaze, because there always feels like too much expectation: "Say something smart.", " Be funny."

When I am thinking of you, I try not to look in the mirror. It's hard not to wonder - just like we all do - if it isn't about the way I look. If I was just this much better looking, that much slimmer, would I have had you? Would you look at me differently? It's easy to hate yourself when you don't have something you want, when you are looking for any fault to blame it on. But I suspect that if I were just a notch or so "fitter", all of this would be easier. you would have to think of me, too.

But I don't think of my body so much, or yours, for that matter. I think of laughing with you, mostly. I think of sitting with you at an open field, smoking a blunt, talking with you for hours, falling asleep on the grass because we still have so much to say but too high to move our lips or make sense of our words. I think of all the things we could have done, the places we could have gone. I wonder if I would have loved them much more because I was there with you.

It's easy to miss someone when all we have is imagination, and all we have to confront is what we have created in our minds. There are no fights, no long silences, no nights where we don't touch each other because we're too tired or too angry.

But I want it all. I want it with you. I want to hear you yell and see you cry and feel you against me at least once, at least to say I've seen it. And know that I likely never will, and I miss it. I miss it as acutely as if I'd had it, in the way you miss the big tree behind a childhood home, or a friend who moved away and never quite stayed in touch. I miss you so much it hurts.

I miss you, and you never even left.

University - High school love drama

It was on the 4th of May of 2015 when I wake up to a text stating that my girlfriend, Oyku Calik is in love with her ex-boyfriend before me. And In that very moment, she decided to end our relationship and go back to him.

Cliche? Yes.

This is a typical break up that many have experienced and some would say "deal with it and move on". But lets analyze this a bit so at least I could find truth and some sort of enlightment on how to "deal with it and move on" when writing this down.

Every break up is painful; no matter if the decision is mutual or not; and the feeling that your partner decides to go back to his or her ex the moment she ended the relationship with you will hurt even more.

But then, it's life. Bad things come out of the blue and will strike you down when you are at your weakest. And I was in my weakest.

I was weak because I let myself fall in love,

I was weak because I thought I could trust a person that I barely knew,

I was weak because I was dumb,

And that is why I deserve to be hurt.

If you are asking if the girl I'm talking about is the high-school chick that I've been around with for the last 4 months, yes, it is her since there was nobody else in the picture (at least not from my side).

Along the way, we did have our break because of a misunderstanding which makes her decide to go back with her ex back then. But it is until a MUN conference in Ankara, Turkey at Gazi university where I choose to "move on" and she decided to get drunk, call me 30 times, cried on the phone and ask me to come back to her.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy when it happen, not in a mean way but in a positive way where I thought she still loves me (since she said that countless time on the phone) and during that time, I still have feelings for her. She explained to me that she went back to Mehmet Aysal (her ex-boyfriend) cuz she was helping him to convince his parents not to sent him to U.S.A. for college by stating a lie (from what she told me) that both of them are madly in love and that he should stay in Turkey to marry her. No matter how bizarre that reason is, especially coming from a high-school kid, I stupidly chose to believe her.

And that is where I am weak.

I trust her without knowing the full evidence. I trust her because I loved her and that is where I became vulnerable to believe such nonsense.

The relationship continue with its up and down but mostly down. She hides her phone all the time that somehow makes me feel insecure but with her claiming that Mehmet is out of the picture, I feel safe and I try to trust her and treat her right. No cheating, no flirting; mind focused purely on my life, my future and her.

On the 1st of May; three days before she dumped me through a whatsapp message; she went to a trip to Trabzon with her school. It was a 3 day trip outside Ankara and I've decided to make a plan to meet up with her just to have some quality time with my girl outside the city. However she chose not to tell me where she is staying simply because she doesn't want me to go through the "trouble" even though I clearly have stated that I wanted it.

The day after, she apologize and feel sad for not telling me where she stayed so she decided to come to my campus and chill here on Monday, 4th of May 2015 just so that we can catch up, meet up and be that lovely-dovey couple again.

After weeks of not seeing her, that seems to be a good plan and I agreed to wait till Monday morning.

This is literally the chat that I sent and received from her on the day where I should have met with her for the date, 4th of May 2015:

Me : Good morning beautiful, have a great day :) -- 05:49

Oyku: Good morning -- 07:45

Oyku: I love mehmet dhito i'm sorry -- 10:45

Oyku: Dhito i'm so sorry i love mehmet he is my world i want him just him -- 11:19

The day that I thought I'm going to have fun with my girlfriend turn into a nightmare the moment I woke up into these whatsapp messages.

I was stupid for not seeing all the clues and patterns. I was stupid not to realize that I've always been cheated on. While I believe her when she calls her friends or other girls a slut and a bitch, I did not realize I was dating one.

And that is not even the climax of this story :)

That day, my heart is broken, but not because my girlfriend of mine break up with me and get back with her ex at the same time, but because her toy-boy decided find that it is okay to insult a person's race, ethnicity and parents.

Surprisingly this happened at the very same time Oyku decided to fall in love with her ex again





These are the first thought in my head after reading the facebook messages.

1. This guy clearly needs to learn English properly,
2. He is one ignorant kid
3. Immaturity
4. Racism at it's best
5. This kid has to know that insulting someone's parent's race is never a good thing to begin with.

This message was seen by one of my African friend and he really finds it offensive by the way this person is irresponsibly bashing out a term that was use for slavery and inequality in the past. The brothers that have read them all wants a piece of him and he may have to face a few consequences out of his ignorance.

In the end, I am actually lucky I have the chance to go through this. it's true when they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, at least now I know what a bitch is like and can avoid them in the future. Another thing that I have learn is that trust shouldn't be given by default. It is earned and apparently she did not earn the trust I entitled her with.

At this point, all that is left is onwards and that is the choice I'm taking. I have been hurt, lied to, cheated on and all of these seems to be a justification for me to see this break up as a good turning point.

This young couple deserve each other as one completes the other and I am happy for them. Nothing is better than a slut marrying an ignorant toy-boy.

But even though after all these mess, deep inside I still know I have feelings for this young slutty girl that I use to call "princess". Both of them are young and have a lot to learn and I hope both of them can be a better person in the future. :)

P.S.: I cried while typing these down.

A.G.P.

A Memoir of a Coffee Like Relationship

I can't face reality and I feel sorry for myself.
Weak? Yes, I am weak.

"A coffee is perfect when the bitter taste moistens your throat, the sweet sugar teases your tongue and the aroma absorbs all of your attention"

It was a tiring day at campus. With my Harvard sweat-shirt and tight jeans, I ran in to the Bilkent University bus that will take me home, a place that keeps me warmth and feeds me when hunger strikes. It was in the middle of a rush hour so traffic jam no longer surprises me. I should have thought about that though before making a promise to "a special someone" for a skype call.

Yes, the person I'm going to talk to is a special someone, someone who is extremely important in deciding my happiness. A person that can make me the happiest person in the world, but in a given time also puts me in my greatest depression. Which she did, in a given time. And yes, it's a "she".

Weakling you say? Yes, I am weak.

After arriving home, I didn't take my shoes off nor change my clothes. Given the fact I haven't ate at all the whole day, I still rushed myself to get my computer on, wondering if she's angry cause I was late. Even though I never state it and fortunately she didn't mind at all , I felt terrible for being late.

It was 11 pm in Surabaya, Indonesia and it's 7 pm here, in Ankara, Turkey.

A little teases and jokes spark the conversation. It was a decent talk.There were tons of things I would like to tell and to share with her. But I can't... Why? Because I understand, she is no longer mine just like I'm no longer hers. That our conversation can only be limited up to the level of friendship. And at that very moment, that pain feeling comes in.

A feeling of loneliness, rejected, thrown away. A feeling that is a result of a past action. An indescribably feeling. A feeling that one must go through themselves to understand.

So I turned off the video in my skype and dropped a few tears, I kept doing it repeatedly every now and then so that she wouldn't have to know the feelings I felt inside.

Weakling you say? Yes, I am weak.

She spoke a few sentences and told me how was her day, and at some point in her sentences, I felt butterflies inside me. It's been over 6 month you see, never did that happen. Whoever I was dating with, be it an Indonesian or Turkish. None of them that exist after her actually matters. Or maybe just not now, not before I'm completely broken.

Still, never have I believe that one day I'd fall for my very own best friend.

I kept on saying the word I wanted to tell her slowly through the microphone so that she didn't have to hear it, so that she wouldn't have the burden to face the guilt. The guilt of letting me fall for her hard. So that she would just thought I was happy and was playing around.

I fell hard, really hard, too hard to look away, too hard to stand up and walk again.

Yes, I am weak.

I never wanted to bring the topic what happen in the past because I knew it'll ruin the moment. The moment I finally have the chance to enjoy a joyful conversation. Something that is pretty rare lately.

We talk about what are we up to lately, what are we busy with and what are the things we do in our everyday life. From that conversation there comes a moment of realization that she have grown so much, so different, better. She is having a concert on the 26th of October, she is giving singing courses to high school kids, becomes a debate trainer in her University and she got a better GPA last semester. In the other hand, I'm stagnate by my unwillingness to change. I'm stuck here doing the same shit everyday with the tinniest bit of change of being a Model United Nation trainer in Bilkent University.

"Maybe it's true that she's better without me"

"Change itself is a very dangerous word, scary in the sense that you wouldn't be the same anymore. Scary that maybe you'd miss your past and you know that everything has turned to tiny dust of memories."

I say good things to her hoping in return that she'll say something back and I guess she didn't get the idea and there I was, stood silently in-front of my laptop. Weak, yes I am. Weak confronted by her presence, her elusive beauty, and her way of humor. Weak to know that she's no longer mine.

She asked whether I would listen to her if she sings, of course I would. How could I ever say no to her. It was Raisa's song - "could it be". And when she sang, I was taken to a dreamland, a land of lullaby. Her smoothing voice calms my mind as if everything was never been clearer, it curves a smile to my face and implant a bit of peace inside me. You will never know the feeling unless you were there. Every single word she said, In this little heart, I wished that all of those lyrics were her actual feelings.

You see, she is like my first cup of coffee in the morning. Rich in feelings, the bitter memories moisten my life, the sweet memories tease me in wanting more and the aroma of her presence attracts all my attention.

But maybe this is just me, maybe it's another undelivered feelings. Or maybe, just maybe, things might work out again.

"But you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go"

Cause I can't face reality and I feel sorry for myself.
Weak? Yes, I am weak.

A Reason to Blog - A Trash Bin of Thoughts

It never exist, the thought of writing into a blank blogger page. The ill-feeling of facing a soulless thing, a computer in-front of you, stuck for hours, a perfect scenario that exemplifies loneliness. 

But, what if we are lonely? What if we are writing this down because no one is there to talk too. What if this is a safe-haven for a runaway, a loner, a dreamer, a confuse soul...?

Has this world turns so evil that one must write his/her feelings and thoughts to a deadly device, that at least care enough to correct his/her grammar and spelling errors? Has the bear turns completely lonely and dull that it must face with literature to express itself? And has the soul of one sinned boy vacuumed so empty that it must be filled with words to be "alive" again?

Perhaps, the answer to that unfortunate question is a plain: "YES"

And perhaps, it's time to put all this jumbled thoughts in an organize sentence. An idea loses part of its meaning when transformed to a physical communication, as how the great poet Rumi says, but sometimes it is the only way to contribute, to share, and to bequest to this world of disappointments.

Life in itself is a compartment full of various, little memory, compiled together. The experience we felt in a particular moment in life will always be different with others we say as human. It may be an experience of a bitter relationship, sweet memory, a political breakdown that we have to live through and the list goes on..

That is exactly what this blogger is going to post. A journey in life with all its past experiences, its life lessons, its ups and downs. A journey that is full of mazes and questions, conclusions and opinions. An opinion that portrays this sinned boy, this lonely bear, this confuse man.

Rather than putting all this junk in a place where no one can understand, blogging might be a good idea to begin with.

As what my unforgettable senior, Elghafiky Bimardhika illustrates: "This is a trash bin of one's thought where one find none. other place to tell, one shall say it here."